In case you missed it… let me bring you up to speed….
“To our friends and family, Luke and I have had some crazy adventures together – including our biggest one yet, marriage. Unfortunately that particular adventure has come to an end for us. We are both part of this AMAZING community of people, and while we can’t address this with everyone in person (as we would have preferred) this is why we have chosen to share this news here. We don’t want this to be awkward for anyone. We remain close friends and are still supportive of one another – so you’ll more than likely still see us together from time to time. We are lucky to both be at great points in our lives and surrounded by supportive family and friends during this time. We love you guys so much!”
…are the words I posted to my Facebook account on November 22, 2014. There was some speculation and curiosity regarding the status of our marriage that began a few months before.
If you’re coming here looking for me to spill some dirty details or to bash my marriage that is no more, you’ve come to the wrong place. Divorce isn’t easy, and you experience a million emotions all at once day after day. It’s confusing. It hurts. It’s sad. It’s empowering. It’s freeing. It’s a promise. It’s a promise to respect yourself enough to know when it’s time to move on, and not to stay because that’s the comfortable option. However, throwing around shade and hate won’t get you anywhere in the process.
Luke introduced me to so many things that I was unfamiliar with, and have come to love fully. Well, I guess I can sum that up a little better. Luke introduced me to the mountains. I was able to discover so many things about myself and have found a passion for things that I didn’t even know existed, because of Luke. There might be a lot I will never understand, and no matter how hard of a process this is or how much it hurts, it’s hard for me to put “hate” or “negativity” into someone that has ultimately provided me with a key to so much happiness.
While I am choosing to cling to that, there’s also obviously a side that isn’t so bright or quite as optimistic. I started struggling with everything mentally this past summer, which was made quite clear by my failures in Leadville. I’m still having those mental battles while attempting to train for a winter road marathon. Expected, right? While I’m thankful to have the ability to run, I’m not entirely confident that I’ll be accomplishing what I originally hoped to do in Arizona in January. No, I’m not sand bagging. I’m just being really honest. Divorce fucks with you. Simple as that.
As much as I wish I could be the person that absorbs themselves into training during a challenging time… I’m not. Some days I kind of just wanted to stare at the wall. I guess this kind of stuff makes you do weird things. Each day is a little different. Each day can be a little better… just add vodka! (jk, mom, jk.)… but I have to make the decision that YES – today is going to be a good day. With that being said, NO. I’m not depressed. I’m learning. I’m learning to just be C, and not CC.
Everyday that passes, I find myself gradually turning towards running more and more. The last 2 weeks I’ve been running and discovering that I don’t want to stop. I’m going through this phase where if I can just feel things a little more, I’m happy with that. If the wind blows a little harder and makes me a little colder, if my legs and lungs burn a little more while running… I like that. I like that a lot. I’m not sure where that’s going to take me, but I’m just going with it.
If something like this were bound to happen in my life it couldn’t be at a better time. I’m so grateful and thankful to have so much incredible support and encouragement from family and friends. Nor could I ask to be surrounded by better people that inspire me daily.
So there’s a little catch up on life lately. I’m no longer sure where I want to go with this blog or if I’ll continue to write here. This blog started while I was opening a new door in my life with someone, and as I’m closing that door and continuing on as the person I’ve become, I feel indifferent as to if this blog should continue with me…
I do have one answer for you though… I’m staying in Colorado. I’m done running away from things in my life. :)